I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
