nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
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Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
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Woke up backwards on a recliner
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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