woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
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