she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
