insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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