I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
