there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
