Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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