So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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