Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
