so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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