do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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