In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
