Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
