do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
