Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Randomize
