There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I feel like a drive thru vagina
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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