yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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