As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
