the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
