i dedicated my morning wood to you.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
