And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
