I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
