Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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