her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
