I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
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she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
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also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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