A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
