I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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