My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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