I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Just cropdusted the office
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
