Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
