so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
