Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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