1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
