you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
