well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
