I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
