your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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