bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
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Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
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In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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