It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
