I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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