dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
