I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
