So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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