Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
