just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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