Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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