Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
