That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
God I need to hump something, right now.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
