If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
