Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
