I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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