I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
