Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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