Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
